I can't stop watching this video
Monday, March 23, 2009
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Fartin' like a pro: I have a great idea
I am going to start writing my posts at the moment where you realize you have to poop but you have to do finish something before you do. I want people to smell the anxiety.
youtube+poop =
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Uh Oh Obesity
I heard Lesbians are a major risk factor for Obesity. That woman homo-love must really pack on the pounds.
That reminds me of an book review from The Atlantic a couple years ago about women who prefer eating in place of sex with their husbands. Where do lesbians come into this? and I quote (the article):
"I speak to you candidly now about some lesbians I know, two lesbians. They live in a suburb of Los Angeles. They’re both a hair north of forty. One is a computer technician; the other, a hospital administrator. Physically, they are much as you might picture them. For the past twelve years, Teri and Pat have had a special Monday-night ritual. They order an extra-large cheese pizza (sixteen slices). While waiting—and I am not making this up—they settle in on the couch with large twin bags of
Doritos. Each chip is dipped first in Philadelphia cream cheese and then in salsa. Cream cheese, salsa. Cream cheese, salsa. Cream cheese, salsa...."
All this talk about Obesity is getting me hungry!
Oh, that reminds me. I'm starting a For-Profit organization that donates clothes and candy to needy obese children. Right now, we're at a really big deficit for Snickers Bars and XXL Stone Cold t-shirts. Give me a holler if you have anything you can contribute.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
It's Party Time
There's nothing like whiling away the hours in an extremely fragile emotional state by watching this on a loop.
Anyway, as of late I've been working on compiling a wet dream dictionary. The first entry is on Aardvark, (sex with). I've been writing mostly with a Pen15 I got from OfficeMax.
The other day I came out of the shower with a towel swirled around the top of my head to dry my hair. My dad asked me if I was going to school like that, and I said no and that I was calling in Sikh. Unfortunately, the whole "Towel Head" joke is probably pretty tasteless. But that's not what I was going for. If y'all can't jive with that, fuck y'all.
(My future son/ symbolic retribution)
Have a great weekend, erbody.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Baby I was born to shit
Did you know there's a form of animals called Deuterostomes which develop, in their cellular stage, asshole first? Man they've got life ass-backwards.
Speaking of Butts, here's an extremely relevant comic by dopeass (Pun intended, biatch.) Johnny Ryan
Anyway, Here's a picture of a deuterostome under a microscope:
Considering what type of animal it is, its title seems like a slam on Deuteronomy, something which I have no knowledge about. (Is this how tabloids are written?) I will reluctantly refer you to the Wikipedia article linked in above.
Anyway, I'm only concerned with DUDE-r-onomy.
Note: I quickly looked this up. It is fucking for real.
"Every new mailing list signup receives complementary D-Bag diploma and Hackey-Sack"
Oh man.
When I'm at the gates of the inferno, I want this guy to be there so he can say "Dude, you're going to Hell." And I would be like "I was WONDERING what happened to you!" I'd realize I was in hell because it has super bad wi-fi and I wouldn't be able to blog about it.
Which reminds me: how come no one has made a stupid comic about someone trying to get cell phone service in hell? I just farted and it smelled like my dog's fart. I think I know what it'll be like.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Gimme that Old Time Religion
Holiday Mathis is muh Gurl. Horoscopes are like a briefer summary than being read by John Edwards. However, the conspiracy theory movie Zeitgeist talks about the Zodiac as the birth and the reason for religion. In a way. The tackiest one now, also popular in Florida along with the Church of Scientology and Family Circus. I don't know why people complain about how Scientology is corrupt and takes people's money. Lenny Bruce had a bit about how weird it was that the pope has a $40,000 dollar ring all the while 30 puerto rican catholics live in a one-bedroom apartment. Anyway, hard to hate on this:
Pope JP 2 is 2 cute! Besides, being preceded by a pope who was assassinated 30 days after his election and naming himself after him, this picture explains it all. Who are you looking for with those imaginary binoculars? the Holy Spirit? I think I found him! Speaking of pope elections, the election of the pope is (ex)communicated to the crowds by the color of smoke that appears out of St. Peter's Basilica's chimney. Black? the crowd awaits. White? It's party time. You know the pope's got the hook up with that bomb sticky-icky too. Sometimes you gotta make a deal with the devil.
Red n' hazy make u nice n' laaazy.
It's time to be a part of the "Vat-I-CAN!"
Speakin of drugs n' thugs: Timothy Leary preached about drugs being a transcendent experience, but also talked about how they could bring us back to our primitive and more pure way of understanding that's existed throughout evolution. Text and language is man-made, artificial, superficial, only limiting and representative and so new! Why should we trust it? He said we should get more in touch with the language of our DNA and cells (read: "Baby I was born to shit.") He said using LSD was a way to do this. Weird to not trust language, tried n' true, but to dive right in to LSD, even more recent. Nevertheless, there was an experiment on a group of average-age adults who took hallucinogenic drugs, many citing it as one of the most religious/spiritual experiences of their lives.
That poster reminds me of some shit. Leary ain't no martyr or messiah, but he sho is some'in' else. Like a lotta people, Leary saw shit that made people want to listen to him and see what he sees. (no comparisons, just segue)
"I'd like to start a religion. That's where the money is." - L. Ron Hubbard
Joseph Smith, founder of Mormonism
Marshall Applewhite, founder of Heaven's Gate. Cosmic Cult. The only way to get to heaven is physically get there in a spaceship. Crazy thing was. At one point this leader had doubts. He had a breakdown after his co-leader, partner in cult crime died. He said "This is crazy! What are we doing? Go home, see your families!" and the members said "No, Do! Let's do this!"
Wayne Bent, founder of Strong City Cult. This guy claims God forced him to have sex with his son's wife. He declared himself the messiah (I wonder what the paperwork's like for that). Seems like duties involve beard-growing, manipulating young women, and making people feel like shit. At one point in this show all the members are outside of what I presume is the compound, and they wait for the end to come. It's a great moment to see their reactions when it doesn't. Good quote "We have our hearts set on this promise, that this will happen." (Member on the approach of end of the world)
to top it off, from founder Joseph Smith to former leader of Mormon YFZ ranch compound and part-time church-sanctioned harem Warren Jeffs. The Church of the Latter Day saints still holds strong, but can't seem to catch a break! Well, Big Love on HBO is quite a treat.
(homevideo from YFZ ranch)
Regardless, a good thing to know before starting your own cult is what you're doing it for if it is either:
a. the money
b. the bitties
c. trick question, you're doing it for BOTH.
Well, despite all their attempts to either create a temporal heaven or make it there via space-craft, nothing really lasted. Maybe all these men wanted to become messiahs because they're afraid of being forgotten. That's where the true life after death comes in. "You gotta have faith" you will exist beyond your death in some form. Maybe we all have a little David Koresh, a little Wayne Bent, and a little L. Ron Hubbard in all of us. Something that seeks power, profit, the unattainable, the spiritual, the sexual. Something beyond us and beyond the life we're given. We can't all live forever.
...... Or can we?
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