Blogging is Life

That about sums it up

2010-03-10T16:29:00.001-08:00

Click to see it: Bigger/Better! It's so worth it.

Cartoon a day (but really all at once): 14

2010-02-24T22:50:00.000-08:00

Osvaldo Cavandoli- La Linea (This man and my grandpappy were friends. Apparently he could use his mouth to do a wonderful impression of the sound of a ping pong game being played at increasing velocity. His animations are pretty great too.)

Cartoon a day (but really all at once): 13

2010-02-24T22:46:00.000-08:00

Calimero- "The Black Chick" Another animation my grandpappy worked on which is also a commercial (this time for soap.) "Are you my mother?" Heart meltingly cute.

Cartoon a day (but really all at once): 12

2010-02-24T22:44:00.000-08:00

Looney Tunes- Swooner Crooner (makes me swoon, and wanna croon)

Cartoon a day (but really all at once): 11

2010-02-24T22:43:00.000-08:00

Paramount- Popeye "Big Bad Sinbad" Oh my goodness: Look for a moment with popeye, his pipe, and a tree at 3:25.

Cartoon a day (but really all at once): 10

2010-02-24T22:38:00.000-08:00

Paramount (directed by a Fleischer)- Popeye "Goonland"

"Think I'll take a good look. Yup that's it alright." (2:57) The music's pretty great too.

Cartoon a day (but really all at once): 9

2010-02-24T22:37:00.000-08:00

Looney Tunes- Baseball Bugs (when he catches his own baseball at 3 minutes, and gets slammed out of frame: oh my god.)

This is a lower quality version, I couldn't embed the better one. But you can watch it here.

Cartoon a day (but really all at once): 8

2010-02-24T22:31:00.000-08:00

Looney Tunes- Water Water, Every Hare (One of my favorites- when Bugs is doing Gossamer's hair at 4 minutes. Look out for the Ether scene 6 minutes in)

Cartoon a day (but really all at once): 7

2010-02-24T22:30:00.000-08:00

Merrie Melodies- Thugs with dirty mugs- "Take that ya rat!"

Cartoon a day (but really all at once): 6

2010-02-24T22:28:00.000-08:00

Merendero- commercial for Italian chocolate animated by my grandpappy

Cartoon a day (but really all at once): 5

2010-02-24T22:27:00.000-08:00

The Point - narrated by Harry Nilsson (This one's for Emmanuel)

Cartoon a day (but really all at once): 4

2010-02-24T22:25:00.000-08:00

Balloon Land (Keep a look out for the phallic balloon on the right in the title)

Cartoon a day (but really all at once): 3

2010-02-24T22:23:00.000-08:00

Fleischer Studios- St. James Infirmary Blues (another Cab Calloway)

Cartoon a day (but really all at once): 2

2010-02-24T22:21:00.000-08:00

Fleischer Studios- Swing, You Sinners!

The song of the dancing creature at 5:30 drives me wild.

Cartoon a day (but really all at once): 1

2010-02-24T22:16:00.000-08:00

Fleischer Studios- Cab Calloway in "Minnie the Moocher" (cartoon begins a minute in, but Calloway's dancing is legendary)

Survival of the Fattest

2010-02-17T18:51:00.000-08:00

Just some highlights. Everything else is kind of depressing.

I'm with the band

2010-02-16T20:02:00.000-08:00

Sitting here whistling and farting (and not to forget, queefing*) has left me asking, must every orifice on my body make such a RACKET!?
Anyway, the sweet music flowing gracefully out of the choice holes on my body reminds me of how whole I feel from listening to music flowing gracefully into the choice holes on my head.

At Long Last:
Here are the Top 9 songs I look up on Youtube because I don't own the album (Think of it as a really terrible, inconvenient mix) In no particular order:

Squeeze- Up the Junction
At the top is a song which my favorite history teacher would play in the morning on his boom box. It's pretty cheesy, but I think because I loved that class I was somehow classically conditioned to link this song with the happy feelings of sitting in that room. I don't care if I've been brainwashed- let's boogie!
Sparks- This town ain't big enough for the both of us
Love the keyboardist. The singer reminds me of an aunt I never had.
Lou Reed- Perfect Day
Perfect song.
Steely Dan- Dirty Work
I'm glad a version popped up where only the album picture is up instead of a series of pictures which are mildly relevant to the content of the lyrics.
Neil Young- Heart of Gold
I recommend reading the accompanying video description. When it comes to putting up videos that are only for the audio, this guy's got it down.
Cynthia Hopkins- some song from "The Success of Failure (or The Failure of Success)"
I saw her performance at the walker under the same name as the album. It was part of a trilogy.... and it's irrelevant. I found this PART of a song on youtube. It's totally corny, but totally my jam. I like her voice, so fuck y'all.
Rod Stewart- Do ya think I'm sexy?
One of my favorite videos. I can't get enough of that Rod Stewart slideshow, and my answer is "yes." I once listened to it on a loop for three hours as I worked on a paper late into the night.
Janet Jackson- Together Again
Ok, I don't look up this one for the song so much as for the legendary video. I remember seeing the part at 3:25 in where Janet Jackson holds herself under a tree somewhere in the African wilderness for the first time as a 9 year old and making a mental note to myself to never rest until I could see that moment again. It's like I saw into the future and understood what a lame asshole I would become. But the song is also booty shakin good. (Plus 1:25 and 2:49 sound a little like the Full House theme song)
Leadbelly- In the Pines
Great song. Don't own any albums. I rented a three disc Leadbelly set from the library but it was soon overdue and I hadn't burned it onto my computer. Another day, another dollar.

Well, these are the 9 songs I've ever listened to in my life. Thank God for the internet, without it, that number might be 8!

*Look out for the upcoming feminist rap star and VJ DJ Queef Latina's new album "Stink in the Pink"

Beauty on a Budget

2010-02-08T21:20:00.001-08:00

I think this is the look she was going for.
(Nothin but love to my girl and fashion idol Phyllis Diller - class act who dresses to the T only to be interviewed by a marionette)

There are two types of people in this world.
There are the beautiful, and there are- as I like to put it- those of us who may do our weekly window shopping at Macy's, but only manage to pass by the Looks Department on our way out the door. But I'll leave it to the Boogerface Blog Cheer Squad to put it in more explicit terms.
They're great for delivering all the bad news around the office.

Now, with a few of my helpful hints, there will be no need to spend all those hours on the corner hustlin the scrilla necessary to afford just the little rouge, midnight blue eyeshadow, and neon pink fishnets to get you by for the evening.

I'll start from the top.

Faces: The Moneymaker (Can you imagine what the W-2's would look like for that?!)
To take a bit of advice from Marge Simpson's mother Jacqueline Bouvier: "Ladies pinch. Whore's use rouge." For those of us with patchy complexions, bursting those cheek blood vessels is a great way of evening out those red spots and coaxing that erythrocyte-based beauty to the surface.
If you don't have fingers, call a friend on phone with big buttons! Parties are a great way to exchange comments about each others looks and swap tips for hypothetically effective methods of improvement.

Chins: The more the merrier
Many beauty experts may try to make you feel ashamed of double chins, but I consider them an asset. Think you might have a double chin? Wear two scarves! Don't be afraid to get creative.

Breasts: God's gift to bras
Too much? Not enough? Too many women focus on their breasts and end up forgetting all about the space between them. Someone's gotta separate those two, am I right? Don't be like every woman and let it fly under the radar! Remember, just a dollop of Vaseline on the chest can really make that cleavage shine. If you don't have any lying around the house, try just wiping your hands off there with the oil on them after eating a big, delicious bowl of discount potato chips.

The Rest of You

Body shape
The world is full of different shapes and sizes, and that rule applies to people too. We've got chubba jacksons and skinny malinks galore, and it's beautiful. However, that doesn't mean we can't all serve to pick up or drop some weight (also a great way to work out, I just learned!)
Some tips for the Skinny bitches of the world
Thin may be in, but last I heard, people who don't eat have a higher risk of dying than those who do! Need to gain weight? It's by no means difficult to fill out that figure with empty pockets. Seasonally, people often will put on a few pounds during the colder months as an insulating "Winter Weight" and maybe an economical way to skimp on an expensive parka.
Think about it: $100+ Eddie Bauer jacket vs. 3$ slice of Sbarro Pizza at the mall.
A high-quality coat may protect you from subzero temperatures and potential frostbite, but nothing can beat the comforting warmth of a high calorie slice of pizza. You make the call. Another idea- move somewhere with winter year-round! The winter pounds will keep packin on just like fluffy, white snow.
A Shoutout to my fatties
Keep it real ladies.

Feet: How many toes do you have, on a scale from 1-10?
Flip flops are cheap, versatile, flashy, and cheap. For this reason they are my favorite shoe. Owning over 2 pairs, I love the opportunity to mix and match them with my only pair of gauchos and, just, hey, go out on the town for fifteen minutes as I go on my walk to get a quarter gallon (NOT as cheap as it sounds!!!) of skim milk. The price of this sandal makes it no pain to "foot" the bill. The Flip Flop is such a great platform (sometimes) where you can express yourself. When you're feeling festive, get some nail polish and bring some attention to your one or two great assets.
Troubleshooting with painting your toes:
If nail polish is a luxury, vaseline (yet again!) is a great way to give those thinner coats of polish a nice glossy finish. If you have corns, feel free to daub a little bit on those too. Highlight your uniqueness.

So readers:
A penny for your thoughts! But only after you give me your two cents. Now that's another tip for you: Remember, a penny saved is a penny earned.
Now go spend that penny on some beauty for yourself, you earned it!

College/Farts (you get what you pay for)

2010-02-04T23:10:00.000-08:00

Being a night owl has provides me with limitless opportunities. There's something to be said on the usefulness of the dorm study lounge for watching videos like this while also layin down some stinky farts.
At other times, you'll find me and my staff in the home office, a space which is many ways just a place underneath my bed wedged between two minifridges propped less than 3 feet away from each other. It's somewhere where I can just, you know, relax, take naps beneath a mattress, pretend I don't have another human being on the other side of a bed sheet I've fashioned as some kind of sound barrier, and let the reinforced pipeline of gas eek out of the vast wasteland I'm obliged to call my asshole. Just let it riiiide.
I sympathize for my roommate and their living situation, but their habit to wear earplugs to bed has really been a boon for any late night flatulence that may/will occur on my end. This is possibly related, but they also have a tendency to sleep with their pillows and blankets on top of their head like some kind of extra-cozy Heaven's Gate cult member.
One really has to wonder what happened to the sales of that Kool-Aid flavor after that happened.
Sleep tight, everyone.

Addicted

2009-03-23T22:27:00.000-07:00

I can't stop watching this video

Fartin' like a pro: I have a great idea

2009-03-21T17:18:00.000-07:00

I am going to start writing my posts at the moment where you realize you have to poop but you have to do finish something before you do. I want people to smell the anxiety.

youtube+poop =

Uh Oh Obesity

2009-03-17T22:04:00.001-07:00

I heard Lesbians are a major risk factor for Obesity. That woman homo-love must really pack on the pounds.

That reminds me of an book review from The Atlantic a couple years ago about women who prefer eating in place of sex with their husbands. Where do lesbians come into this? and I quote (the article):

"I speak to you candidly now about some lesbians I know, two lesbians. They live in a suburb of Los Angeles. They’re both a hair north of forty. One is a computer technician; the other, a hospital administrator. Physically, they are much as you might picture them. For the past twelve years, Teri and Pat have had a special Monday-night ritual. They order an extra-large cheese pizza (sixteen slices). While waiting—and I am not making this up—they settle in on the couch with large twin bags of

Doritos. Each chip is dipped first in Philadelphia cream cheese and then in salsa. Cream cheese, salsa. Cream cheese, salsa. Cream cheese, salsa...."

You can read the full article here. Riveting.

All this talk about Obesity is getting me hungry!

Oh, that reminds me. I'm starting a For-Profit organization that donates clothes and candy to needy obese children. Right now, we're at a really big deficit for Snickers Bars and XXL Stone Cold t-shirts. Give me a holler if you have anything you can contribute.

It's Party Time

2009-03-14T18:41:00.000-07:00

There's nothing like whiling away the hours in an extremely fragile emotional state by watching this on a loop.

Anyway, as of late I've been working on compiling a wet dream dictionary. The first entry is on Aardvark, (sex with). I've been writing mostly with a Pen15 I got from OfficeMax.

The other day I came out of the shower with a towel swirled around the top of my head to dry my hair. My dad asked me if I was going to school like that, and I said no and that I was calling in Sikh. Unfortunately, the whole "Towel Head" joke is probably pretty tasteless. But that's not what I was going for. If y'all can't jive with that, fuck y'all.

(My future son/ symbolic retribution)

Have a great weekend, erbody.

I want to believe

2009-03-12T23:20:00.001-07:00

Yes. Oh God, I will. God. I will.

Baby I was born to shit

2009-03-12T23:08:00.000-07:00

Did you know there's a form of animals called Deuterostomes which develop, in their cellular stage, asshole first? Man they've got life ass-backwards.

Speaking of Butts, here's an extremely relevant comic by dopeass (Pun intended, biatch.) Johnny Ryan

Anyway, Here's a picture of a deuterostome under a microscope:

Considering what type of animal it is, its title seems like a slam on Deuteronomy, something which I have no knowledge about. (Is this how tabloids are written?) I will reluctantly refer you to the Wikipedia article linked in above.

Anyway, I'm only concerned with DUDE-r-onomy.

Note: I quickly looked this up. It is fucking for real.

Welcome to the dumbest fucking website in the world

"Every new mailing list signup receives complementary D-Bag diploma and Hackey-Sack"

Oh man.

When I'm at the gates of the inferno, I want this guy to be there so he can say "Dude, you're going to Hell." And I would be like "I was WONDERING what happened to you!" I'd realize I was in hell because it has super bad wi-fi and I wouldn't be able to blog about it.

Which reminds me: how come no one has made a stupid comic about someone trying to get cell phone service in hell? I just farted and it smelled like my dog's fart. I think I know what it'll be like.

Gimme that Old Time Religion

2009-02-04T16:22:00.000-08:00

Holiday Mathis is muh Gurl. Horoscopes are like a briefer summary than being read by John Edwards. In a way. The tackiest one now, also popular in Florida along with the Church of Scientology and Family Circus. I don't know why people complain about how Scientology is corrupt and takes people's money. Lenny Bruce had a bit about how weird it was that the pope has a $40,000 dollar ring all the while 30 puerto rican catholics live in a one-bedroom apartment. Anyway, hard to hate on this:

Pope JP 2 is 2 cute! Besides, being preceded by a pope who was assassinated 30 days after his election and naming himself after him, this picture explains it all. Who are you looking for with those imaginary binoculars? the Holy Spirit? I think I found him! Speaking of pope elections, the election of the pope is (ex)communicated to the crowds by the color of smoke that appears out of St. Peter's Basilica's chimney. Black? the crowd awaits. White? It's party time. You know the pope's got the hook up with that bomb sticky-icky too. Sometimes you gotta make a deal with the devil.

Red n' hazy make u nice n' laaazy.

It's time to be a part of the "Vat-I-CAN!"

Speakin of drugs n' thugs: Timothy Leary preached about drugs being a transcendent experience, but also talked about how they could bring us back to our primitive and more pure way of understanding that's existed throughout evolution. Text and language is man-made, artificial, superficial, only limiting and representative and so new! Why should we trust it? He said we should get more in touch with the language of our DNA and cells (read: "Baby I was born to shit.") He said using LSD was a way to do this. Weird to not trust language, tried n' true, but to dive right in to LSD, even more recent. Nevertheless, there was an experiment on a group of average-age adults who took hallucinogenic drugs, many citing it as one of the most religious/spiritual experiences of their lives.

That poster reminds me of some shit. Leary ain't no martyr or messiah, but he sho is some'in' else. Like a lotta people, Leary saw shit that made people want to listen to him and see what he sees. (no comparisons, just segue)

"I'd like to start a religion. That's where the money is." - L. Ron Hubbard

Joseph Smith, founder of Mormonism

Marshall Applewhite, founder of Heaven's Gate. Cosmic Cult. The only way to get to heaven is physically get there in a spaceship. Crazy thing was. At one point this leader had doubts. He had a breakdown after his co-leader, partner in cult crime died. He said "This is crazy! What are we doing? Go home, see your families!" and the members said "No, Do! Let's do this!"

Wayne Bent, founder of Strong City Cult. This guy claims God forced him to have sex with his son's wife. He declared himself the messiah (I wonder what the paperwork's like for that). Seems like duties involve beard-growing, manipulating young women, and making people feel like shit. At one point in this show all the members are outside of what I presume is the compound, and they wait for the end to come. It's a great moment to see their reactions when it doesn't. Good quote "We have our hearts set on this promise, that this will happen." (Member on the approach of end of the world)

David Koresh

to top it off, from founder Joseph Smith to former leader of Mormon YFZ ranc h compound and part-time church-sanctioned harem Warren Jeffs. The Church of the Latter Day saints still holds strong, but can't seem to catch a break! Well, Big Love on HBO is quite a treat.

(homevideo from YFZ ranch)

Regardless, a good thing to know before starting your own cult is what you're doing it for if it is either:

a. the money

b. the bitties

c. trick question, you're doing it for BOTH.

Well, despite all their attempts to either create a temporal heaven or make it there via space-craft, nothing really lasted. Maybe all these men wanted to become messiahs because they're afraid of being forgotten. That's where the true life after death comes in. "You gotta have faith" you will exist beyond your death in some form. Maybe we all have a little David Koresh, a little Wayne Bent, and a little L. Ron Hubbard in all of us. Something that seeks power, profit, the unattainable, the spiritual, the sexual. Something beyond us and beyond the life we're given. We can't all live forever.

...... Or can we?

Chunker

2009-01-27T16:39:00.000-08:00

When I was a kid I thought, as I do now, that boogers and buttcracks were super funny.

I loved pictures of the aforementioned things, and I realize now that I can't escape my infatuation with stupid images after realized that I like stupid words too. I'm all about "Chunker" and "Goober" and any other literary booger-visual equivalent I hear.

Chunker and goober and buttcracks and boogers, these are a few of my favorite things.

Gonna make you Sweat(pants)

2009-01-23T15:10:00.001-08:00

There's nothing like your eyes glaze over while lazily hunched on the edge of your couch to check people's facebooks you never talk to while the crack of your ass hangs out of a pair of pink sweatpants bought on the clearance rack at SuperTarget.

Redeeming my circumstance is the adorable white hat con puffball and my favorite Sturgis sweatshirt I have on.

It never ceases to amaze me how low I can go. I'm no good at Limbo, but my personal hygiene and self respect is in a purgatorial state right now. To top it off, I'm listening to Styx. What a divinely comedic moment we have here.

Crazy shit

2009-01-23T15:08:00.000-08:00

I like to drink hot chocolate whenever I have diarrhea so I can pretend my digestive system is workin overtime.

Speaking of really gross poop imagery:

A couple of days ago I was babysitting when my client unleashed an ungodly load into her diaper. When I came to the sobering realization that I was about to be wrist deep in a two year old baby's gigantic, creamy dump, I said "Oh noooo......." Whoever thinks a merciful God would make a baby who could shit like that is dead wrong. People might not want to hear this kind of story, but shit's real, I seen it. I had to hold myself back from getting angry at this crazy ass poop-machine. When I first saw what I was dealing with, I straight up had to pause for a good 15 seconds to comprehend what the hell was going on. It was definitely a religious moment, because I kept saying "oh my god oh my god" as it was happening. Here's a video of what I was essentially dealing with:

I'm never having children

Hitting Kid Rock Bottom

2009-01-07T20:28:00.000-08:00

You know that something is fundamentally wrong with your life when you stay up an extra 15 minutes to search for Kid Rock's "Bawitdaba" music video. My one consolation was coming across a video with the title "Kid Rock- Buffalo Chips Sturgis -Jamming! (RARE)" When you find yourself at the (Uncle) Kracker Barrel for Kid Rock Demo tapes, you need to stop mixing such low quality Colt45 with your Fruity Dyno-Bites in the morning.

Anyway, the first few golden moments read like a glorious first testament to the Asshole bible. In the beginning, there was ROCK (kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiid Rock that is).

Parenting Condomdrum

2009-01-06T20:12:00.000-08:00

Today my darling little imaginary child walked up to me when I was doing some shopping at Sex World (Their XXX-mas deals this year are out of this world, can you imagine absolutely charming christmas bauble-esque anal beads for only 23.95?! I had to keep myself from using it as a centerpiece for the family dinner that night.)

Anyway, she was holding a popular item

and she said to me, "Mommy?" and I said "Where'd you come from?" and she looked up at me with her beautiful eye and and asked "What are these?" holding a pair of this fuzzy number. I said "They're stuffed animal handcuffs, of course!"

In truth, today a peer was talking about how her fuzzy handcuffs were taken from her by a friends mom. Bummer! I always thought handcuffs were bracelets that needed to be worn close together as a matching set. So many criminals with such tasteful choice in jewelry.. But boy, was I wrong!

Music to my years

2009-01-03T14:43:00.000-08:00

Clara Rockmore, daughter of theremin creator Leon Theremin, plays the theremin:

I can't tell whether I enjoy it because of how beautiful it happens to sound, or because of how much the woman playing looks like an older and moneyed Jerri Blank.

Amy Sedaris based Jerri Blank on quasi-motivational speaker Florrie Fisher:

But my favorite part of the inspiration chain is how much 2-4-1 Hotdogz Farstad reminds me of Jerri Blank.

The Future is Now

2009-01-03T11:17:00.001-08:00

Houston prepare for Jerk-off.

I'm really excited to see what 2009 has in store for us.

David Levy predicts we'll all be having sex with robots by 2050. Assuming they're anything like this, I think we'll all be OK:

But I think people have already begun the human-robot crossover anyway.

His body is hypnotic. He looks like my spanish teacher.

If you get a robot of yourself and have sex with it, is that masturbation?

I've heard that question asked with regards to clones, and I think that if you get a clone of yourself to have sex with, that means you're rich enough to clone yourself and attractive enough to have someone (you) to want to have sex with you. But if you've paid for yourself to have sex with yourself, you've got a lot of money to throw around with respect to masturbation, and, essentially, you're your own pimp. I think prostitution might be a good profession to be your own boss.

But enough with clone masturbation (double the fun). I'd like to make a well-lubricated, smooth transition to another future concern:

To my knowledge, alien cigarette smoking is on the rise.

I've been watching a lot of the groundbreaking Ken Burns documentary series X-files, and I've been learning so much about the evildoings of our corrupt government and its respective shadow government.

Here's special agent Mulder hot on the trail of a suspect:

Speaking of 40 years in the future (see: David Levy predicts), I recently finished Philip K. Dick's "Time out of Joint" where one man has been living a 1959 society when outside its really 1998 and there's an interplanetary war going on. The second part is sort of like the second part of Vonnegut's "Sirens of Titan" where human colonists on mars invade Earth.

Even though the books are both about human wars, X-Files theorizes about government conspiracies to create alien-human hybrids for the oncoming war between humans and aliens. Who would these hybrids fight for, though? And the real question is, how big are aliens boobs and is their weed truly out of this world?

Also, there's a website dedicated to the artwork of children inspired by their abduction experiences.

Here's a really good excerpt from "Why Aliens abduct humans":

For years there were accounts of alien encounters where the aliens showed a little black box to humans. The aliens held up the box and pointed to it, then returned to their spacecraft and left. People having such encounters wondered why the aliens did not try to communicate with them further. The contents in the little black box remained a mystery for decades. Thanks to investigators such as Budd Hopkins and Dave Jacobs, we now know what is in the box.

The box contains a live fetus of a hybrid which is part human and part alien. Showing the box is an act of triumph. The aliens plan to colonize the earth with their new race and replace the human race. By showing the box the aliens are demonstrating that they have succeeded in creating a replacement for the human race.

After aliens take either sperm or eggs from humans, depending on their sex, or in some cases, an alien/hybrid baby, the human abductees are taken into large rooms in the alien's spacecraft containing alien/hybrid fetuses in tanks at different stages of development.

Abductees wondered why they did this. The answer is now obvious, the aliens are showing humans their replacement. The aliens are in effect telling abductees that the new alien/hybrids will replace them. There will be no more humans on the earth.

Nothing could be more frightening.

These are a child's drawings of alien/hybrid children, the new race the aliens will use to replace the human race.

Clearly, the aliens are just smug assholes who need to be annihilated. Interesting that a race of beings capable of traveling across the universe hasn't evolved beyond showing off. These kids drawings: Is it me or are these aliens a little too shady looking to be so sophisticated? They look suspiciously like the things that come on the 50 cent stickers you can get at the roller gardens, the gangster aliens with jnco jeans and backwards hats.

Also, considering how dope of a movie "Close encounters of the third kind" was and is, most of these kids are probably watching it with their parents before bed and then dreaming, nay, fantasizing, that the aliens visited them.

And a little homage to Star Wars:

Just because a kid draws a monster doesn't mean they've seen one. I've drawn a lot of pictures of Big Foot with huge boobs, but to my knowledge Big Foot is male.

I like the idea of an interplanetary human civil war, it reminds me of Walt Kelly's Pogo comic book,

While aliens might exist out there, I don't think they've visited earth. I think it's all a matter of people dreaming crazy shit or encountering weird people.

We have met the aliens and they are us:

What do you think he got tattooed on his face? A look of regret?

Boogerface blog team jersey

2009-01-01T13:57:00.000-08:00

Tearjerking off

2008-12-22T09:16:00.000-08:00

When the coldest of all seasons comes around, we try and make it the warmest inside our little tiny stone hearts.

It's a lot like how Kris Kringle melts the Winter Warlock's heart in "Santa Claus is comin' to town"

Anyway, watching television around this time is like beautiful Emotional Pornography.

Extreme Makeover

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ddOTKG3_txk

Oprah

As we come around to the best holiday of the year, AKA JC's big birthday blowout

(Happy B-day, little guy)

I'd like to share with you a dope video of my girl Oprah reppin for keeping your mind open when it comes to religion and Jesus as Christ. I came across this video by accident, but it was tight seein her get riled up about something and not all Oprah 2.0 like she is now. Enjoy:

The chick gettin all up on Oprah's jock looks kind of like a young(er) Michelle Duggar, mormon mother of 18 children.

Great show.

Family means never giving up.

Anyway, back to my point. Like obscene thoughts are to our loving loins; the holidays are like a stimulation of the heart (can you say "heart-on"?!) As a friend so eloquently phrased it: "Give my soul a blowjob."

Happy Holidays, everyone.

Merry Chrizmyzzz

2008-12-17T19:43:00.000-08:00

If you've talked to me in the past 5 weeks you know I'm a little ticked at how KQQL108 has been playing nothing but christmas songs since a week before Thanksgiving. What's up with that? Anyway. I was all mad and all until I heard this. The video is lame, but the song is so-so tight. Enjoy, and happy holidays, to everyone.

"Nothing Worse than Warm Shit on a Cold Day"

2008-11-24T15:18:00.000-08:00

As the weather cools to a balmy -10 degrees below zero, I like to reminisce about some wild winter times that I never experienced:

The Great Blizzard of 1888

Ernest Shackleton and his crew of the Endurance get shipwrecked on Antarctica for 3 months

Boy, shipwrecked on Antarctica, that'd be snow fun, eh?!

Jesus Christ!

2008-11-11T18:09:00.000-08:00

Today I was in a discussion with someone over whether or not this tends a valid statement and message or whether it's just looking to offend. I think all too often people think a bastardization of an icon (specifically Jesus and Mary) is a desecration of it. I think people need to desecrate ma balls.

It's free speech. Sorry dude.

Besides, it gives a whole new dimensionality to the saying "He is risen."

Even in Skokie, Illinois in the 70's, the ACLU fought to maintain a Nazi's group right to march. Yeah sure they never marched, but hey, ACLU was doin they thang.

We got to talking about crudeness and overexposure in and by the media... blah blah blase.

I was thinking about Lenny Bruce, and whether he did more harm than good. A funny little link here: Lenny Bruce gave to Martin Garbus, his main man for defense in his court trials, a small illustration on a napkin of Jesus on the Cross with him saying the words "Hey! Where's my ACLU?" Talk about the holy trinity. (Jesus>ACLU>Lenny Bruce= Jesus talking about the ACLU.) Anyway, Lenny Bruce's whole thing (as I've come to understand it), wasn't about the use of "obscene words" but that the content of his comedy/social- commentary necessitated the form of "talking dirty." His autobiography is a short read, and there's some good pictures of him in the middle; before he started the morphine habit and got all Jim-Morrison'd out on weight gain and beard growth, he was pretty attractive. For the record, I never thought Jim Morrison was hot.
Another little crucifixion reference:

Jim Morrison jived for our sins!

Alright, so maybe Lenny doesn't stock up against Jesus Morrison, but he has the body language of a very attractive man. I had to repeal my statement, because upon looking at his pictures for the first time in a while, I realized he looks like a combination of 3 people I know plus my dog. But my dog is suave shit. Dude wipes his ass on the carpet after poopin anywhere he like. Don't even play.
There you have it, three oft- mentioned martyrs who died young, just trying to do thay thing.
One thing (plus a few others): I think what happened was that the shock value of Lenny Bruce 'prurient language' superceded the power of his message. Nowadays, people (in comedy) have watered down the content and jacked up the form so everything becomes obscene with no reason. It's a lot like fashion in that way. Clothes to signify a certain lifestyle, or coming out of a result of a certain lifestyle, and people adopting the aesthetics without the personal backstory or experience.
Also, I recently watched the first portion of a film called 'Zeitgeist' concerning the Jesus Christ virgin birth/resurrection story.
Other than the fact that the film plays out like an insightful music video, and makes you want to kick someone's ass to all the war montages backed by drums (is this the tightest thing you've ever seen or do they need to be naked to make it better?)- the film is informative/illuminating (a lot of sun talk.) It's about how a lot of stories from world religions about a messiah who rises from the dead after three days, born of a virgin, etc, are all really similar because they're based around the movement of the stars and the 12 zodiac symbols revolving around the sun.
Watch the movie : HERE
It makes a lot of sense that the mythology that accompanied the observations of astrological movements ended up taking precedence over the science of it and what the stories were symbolizing. In the end, the Jesus story/other stories are a result of a preoccupation with the narrative. People kept developing the story into more intricate narratives to the point that it had no relevance to the roots of it all. Oops! Should have remembered that people like to simplify things and forget the metaphors. Just like how comedy has become all surface and no depth. Like a slip n' slide.

It's a slippery slope my friends. Oh well. But remember to take everything (the documentary, resurrection stories) with a grain of salt, especially if you have a goiter.
Today this guy was telling me about how 1+1=3, but I didn't believe him so I knocked him out before he could explain. When he finally woke up and coughed up his tooth, he told me that 1 is one, the other 1 is one, but 1 and 1 together is a third entity, so therefore.... big smile, yak yak yak!
But hey, we all know what 3 matters most. And now I'll bring this self-referential blog to a clothes.

"Frightfully" good

2008-11-08T20:58:00.000-08:00

Here's some good Halloween themed treats, I know it's a little overdue, but here ghost:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HaZOXF83zBg

and this weeks Onion's "Who's Gonna Hallo-wean My Kids Off All This Candy?"

I never thought picking your nose was cool until I met you

2008-11-08T20:44:00.000-08:00

One nation underdogs

2008-11-08T20:21:00.002-08:00

"Donna and Joel Brinkle of Deltona, Fla., raised a family and held respectable jobs until, in the 1990s, they declared themselves a sovereign nation and stopped paying taxes. Subsequently, the county took their home, and they now appear to be living on the handouts of their son and their church, but they have become irritations by filing property liens against government officials (including, once, President Clinton) who fail to recognize their independent authority. Once, they tried to buy a $700,000 house with a "money order" drawn on their home-made currency. Even though the Brinkles' game plan has failed on every single point (and Joel even did some jail time), the couple remains chipper, according to an October Orlando Sentinel report, certain that some higher official will soon vindicate them. [Orlando Sentinel, 10-14-08] "

Everyone is a sovereign nation
I think if the Brinkles really wanted to commit to their cause they would start a militia. If it were me I would use the phrase "Seceding from the union", because I bet you could get some good assholes on board to help you not pay taxes.

Cindy will join.....

who's got the tanning lotion?!

Speaking of unnatural posturing and weird swimsuits:

This is what I see when 2-4-1 Hotdogz dances

What do male ghosts like?

2008-11-08T20:14:00.000-08:00

Boo-bs

Illustration

The tooth hurts

2008-11-08T16:08:00.000-08:00

Today I spent a soul shattering 70 minutes at the dentist that left me feeling like my tooth had been punched in the face.

Here's a picture my mom took of my inner state when they were drilling into me like an oil field.

I always think of 2-4-1 Hotdogz in these kind of times. Girl has gotten her entire mouth replaced by now and it is not pleasant.

While I was laying on the chair, two dentists looking over me, I tried to assert my importance by imagining I was a really important alien species they were getting evidence and biological information from.

There's this weird plastic illuminated picture on the ceilings at my dentist office, and they're all of these really cornball Italian villas or gondola scenes. But more than relaxation they provide a reflection of your mouth as they poke it with 20 different implements all performing the same function. I had a weird rubber dental dam over my mouth with a hole for my tooth so the drilled parts of my tooth wouldn't fall into my throat, but I think that's because they want to gauge my comfort with dental dams to see if I've licked any buttholes or I'm being safe about it. Nice try, Linden Hills Dentistry! The only butthole I'M lickin is my own.

Crucify me on a cross of poop

2008-11-08T15:37:00.000-08:00

Even Jesus had to walk his dog sometimes.

After I get home from school my dad likes me to walk my dog. That's all well and good, but if he has to do it there's a whole lot more shuffling and martyr talk than there needs to be. A little "Non si finisce mai"'s are murmured and he's out the door. I usually take one or two bags, but my dad stocks up like he's Forrest Gump doing a dog walk. He call me an optimist. The shit hasn't hit the fan yet.

Anyway.

Lately I've been popping Starbursts like painkillers. After Halloween I donated my candy to needy obese children, and it's really out of habit that I've been eating them. It's not even fun anymore.

This was the last panel for a Garfield comic a couple days ago. I don't know if it's funny because of what's going on, or that the Garfield Inc., Board of Trustees putting this together voted on it as the best possible option. It's not outright funny but because of how ass backwards grotesque it is. It looks like he got a wedgie so big that his back pockets are up on his shoulders.