"Nothing Worse than Warm Shit on a Cold Day"

As the weather cools to a balmy -10 degrees below zero, I like to reminisce about some wild winter times that I never experienced:

The Great Blizzard of 1888

Ernest Shackleton and his crew of the Endurance get shipwrecked on Antarctica for 3 months

Boy, shipwrecked on Antarctica, that'd be snow fun, eh?!

Jesus Christ!

Today I was in a discussion with someone over whether or not this tends a valid statement and message or whether it's just looking to offend. I think all too often people think a bastardization of an icon (specifically Jesus and Mary) is a desecration of it. I think people need to desecrate ma balls.

It's free speech. Sorry dude.

Besides, it gives a whole new dimensionality to the saying "He is risen."

Even in Skokie, Illinois in the 70's, the ACLU fought to maintain a Nazi's group right to march. Yeah sure they never marched, but hey, ACLU was doin they thang.


We got to talking about crudeness and overexposure in and by the media... blah blah blase.

I was thinking about Lenny Bruce, and whether he did more harm than good. A funny little link here: Lenny Bruce gave to Martin Garbus, his main man for defense in his court trials, a small illustration on a napkin of Jesus on the Cross with him saying the words "Hey! Where's my ACLU?" Talk about the holy trinity. (Jesus>ACLU>Lenny Bruce= Jesus talking about the ACLU.) Anyway, Lenny Bruce's whole thing (as I've come to understand it), wasn't about the use of "obscene words" but that the content of his comedy/social- commentary necessitated the form of "talking dirty." His autobiography is a short read, and there's some good pictures of him in the middle; before he started the morphine habit and got all Jim-Morrison'd out on weight gain and beard growth, he was pretty attractive. For the record, I never thought Jim Morrison was hot.
Another little crucifixion reference:




















Jim Morrison jived for our sins!


Alright, so maybe Lenny doesn't stock up against Jesus Morrison, but he has the body language of a very attractive man. I had to repeal my statement, because upon looking at his pictures for the first time in a while, I realized he looks like a combination of 3 people I know plus my dog. But my dog is suave shit. Dude wipes his ass on the carpet after poopin anywhere he like. Don't even play.
There you have it, three oft- mentioned martyrs who died young, just trying to do thay thing.
One thing (plus a few others): I think what happened was that the shock value of Lenny Bruce 'prurient language' superceded the power of his message. Nowadays, people (in comedy) have watered down the content and jacked up the form so everything becomes obscene with no reason. It's a lot like fashion in that way. Clothes to signify a certain lifestyle, or coming out of a result of a certain lifestyle, and people adopting the aesthetics without the personal backstory or experience.
Also, I recently watched the first portion of a film called 'Zeitgeist' concerning the Jesus Christ virgin birth/resurrection story.
Other than the fact that the film plays out like an insightful music video, and makes you want to kick someone's ass to all the war montages backed by drums (is this the tightest thing you've ever seen or do they need to be naked to make it better?)- the film is informative/illuminating (a lot of sun talk.) It's about how a lot of stories from world religions about a messiah who rises from the dead after three days, born of a virgin, etc, are all really similar because they're based around the movement of the stars and the 12 zodiac symbols revolving around the sun.
Watch the movie : HERE
It makes a lot of sense that the mythology that accompanied the observations of astrological movements ended up taking precedence over the science of it and what the stories were symbolizing. In the end, the Jesus story/other stories are a result of a preoccupation with the narrative. People kept developing the story into more intricate narratives to the point that it had no relevance to the roots of it all. Oops! Should have remembered that people like to simplify things and forget the metaphors. Just like how comedy has become all surface and no depth. Like a slip n' slide.



























It's a slippery slope my friends. Oh well. But remember to take everything (the documentary, resurrection stories) with a grain of salt, especially if you have a goiter.
Today this guy was telling me about how 1+1=3, but I didn't believe him so I knocked him out before he could explain. When he finally woke up and coughed up his tooth, he told me that 1 is one, the other 1 is one, but 1 and 1 together is a third entity, so therefore.... big smile, yak yak yak!
But hey, we all know what 3 matters most. And now I'll bring this self-referential blog to a clothes.

"Frightfully" good

Here's some good Halloween themed treats, I know it's a little overdue, but here ghost:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HaZOXF83zBg

and this weeks Onion's "Who's Gonna Hallo-wean My Kids Off All This Candy?"

I never thought picking your nose was cool until I met you

One nation underdogs

"Donna and Joel Brinkle of Deltona, Fla., raised a family and held respectable jobs until, in the 1990s, they declared themselves a sovereign nation and stopped paying taxes. Subsequently, the county took their home, and they now appear to be living on the handouts of their son and their church, but they have become irritations by filing property liens against government officials (including, once, President Clinton) who fail to recognize their independent authority. Once, they tried to buy a $700,000 house with a "money order" drawn on their home-made currency. Even though the Brinkles' game plan has failed on every single point (and Joel even did some jail time), the couple remains chipper, according to an October Orlando Sentinel report, certain that some higher official will soon vindicate them. [Orlando Sentinel, 10-14-08] "

Everyone is a sovereign nation
I think if the Brinkles really wanted to commit to their cause they would start a militia. If it were me I would use the phrase "Seceding from the union", because I bet you could get some good assholes on board to help you not pay taxes.






Cindy will join.....



who's got the tanning lotion?!









Speaking of unnatural posturing and weird swimsuits:


This is what I see when 2-4-1 Hotdogz dances

What do male ghosts like?

Boo-bs



















Illustration

The tooth hurts

Today I spent a soul shattering 70 minutes at the dentist that left me feeling like my tooth had been punched in the face.

Here's a picture my mom took of my inner state when they were drilling into me like an oil field.
















I always think of 2-4-1 Hotdogz in these kind of times. Girl has gotten her entire mouth replaced by now and it is not pleasant.

While I was laying on the chair, two dentists looking over me, I tried to assert my importance by imagining I was a really important alien species they were getting evidence and biological information from.

There's this weird plastic illuminated picture on the ceilings at my dentist office, and they're all of these really cornball Italian villas or gondola scenes. But more than relaxation they provide a reflection of your mouth as they poke it with 20 different implements all performing the same function. I had a weird rubber dental dam over my mouth with a hole for my tooth so the drilled parts of my tooth wouldn't fall into my throat, but I think that's because they want to gauge my comfort with dental dams to see if I've licked any buttholes or I'm being safe about it. Nice try, Linden Hills Dentistry! The only butthole I'M lickin is my own.

Crucify me on a cross of poop

Even Jesus had to walk his dog sometimes.

After I get home from school my dad likes me to walk my dog. That's all well and good, but if he has to do it there's a whole lot more shuffling and martyr talk than there needs to be. A little "Non si finisce mai"'s are murmured and he's out the door. I usually take one or two bags, but my dad stocks up like he's Forrest Gump doing a dog walk. He call me an optimist. The shit hasn't hit the fan yet.

Anyway.

Lately I've been popping Starbursts like painkillers. After Halloween I donated my candy to needy obese children, and it's really out of habit that I've been eating them. It's not even fun anymore.

This was the last panel for a Garfield comic a couple days ago. I don't know if it's funny because of what's going on, or that the Garfield Inc., Board of Trustees putting this together voted on it as the best possible option. It's not outright funny but because of how ass backwards grotesque it is. It looks like he got a wedgie so big that his back pockets are up on his shoulders.