Addicted

I can't stop watching this video

Fartin' like a pro: I have a great idea

I am going to start writing my posts at the moment where you realize you have to poop but you have to do finish something before you do. I want people to smell the anxiety.

youtube+poop = 

Uh Oh Obesity

I heard Lesbians are a major risk factor for Obesity. That woman homo-love must really pack on the pounds. 

That reminds me of an book review from The Atlantic a couple years ago about women who prefer eating in place of sex with their husbands. Where do lesbians come into this? and I quote (the article):

"I speak to you candidly now about some lesbians I know, two lesbians. They live in a suburb of Los Angeles. They’re both a hair north of forty. One is a computer technician; the other, a hospital administrator. Physically, they are much as you might picture them. For the past twelve years, Teri and Pat have had a special Monday-night ritual. They order an extra-large cheese pizza (sixteen slices). While waiting—and I am not making this up—they settle in on the couch with large twin bags of 

Doritos. Each chip is dipped first in Philadelphia cream cheese and then in salsa. Cream cheese, salsa. Cream cheese, salsa. Cream cheese, salsa...."

You can read the full article here. Riveting.

All this talk about Obesity is getting me hungry!

Oh, that reminds me. I'm starting a For-Profit organization that donates clothes and candy to needy obese children. Right now, we're at a really big deficit for Snickers Bars and XXL Stone Cold t-shirts. Give me a holler if you have anything you can contribute.

It's Party Time

There's nothing like whiling away the hours in an extremely fragile emotional state by watching this on a loop.

Anyway, as of late I've been working on compiling a wet dream dictionary. The first entry is on Aardvark, (sex with). I've been writing mostly with a Pen15 I got from OfficeMax. 

The other day I came out of the shower with a towel swirled around the top of my head to dry my hair. My dad asked me if I was going to school like that, and I said no and that I was calling in Sikh. Unfortunately, the whole "Towel Head" joke is probably pretty tasteless. But that's not what I was going for. If y'all can't jive with that, fuck y'all.

(My future son/ symbolic retribution)

Have a great weekend, erbody.

I want to believe

Yes. Oh God, I will. God. I will.

Baby I was born to shit

Did you know there's a form of animals called Deuterostomes which develop, in their cellular stage, asshole first? Man they've got life ass-backwards. 

Speaking of Butts, here's an extremely relevant comic by dopeass (Pun intended, biatch.)  Johnny Ryan

Anyway, Here's a picture of a deuterostome under a microscope: 

Considering what type of animal it is, its title seems like a slam on Deuteronomy, something which I have no knowledge about. (Is this how tabloids are written?) I will reluctantly refer you to the Wikipedia article linked in above.

Anyway, I'm only concerned with DUDE-r-onomy. 

Note: I quickly looked this up. It is fucking for real.

Welcome to the dumbest fucking website in the world

"Every new mailing list signup receives complementary D-Bag diploma and Hackey-Sack"

Oh man.

 

When I'm at the gates of the inferno, I want this guy to be there so he can say "Dude, you're going to Hell." And I would be like "I was WONDERING what happened to you!" I'd realize I was in hell because it has super bad wi-fi and I wouldn't be able to blog about it. 

Which reminds me: how come no one has made a stupid comic about someone trying to get cell phone service in hell? I just farted and it smelled like my dog's fart. I think I know what it'll be like.

Gimme that Old Time Religion

Holiday Mathis is muh Gurl. Horoscopes are like a briefer summary than being read by John Edwards. In a way. The tackiest one now, also popular in Florida along with the Church of Scientology and Family Circus. I don't know why people complain about how Scientology is corrupt and takes people's money. Lenny Bruce had a bit about how weird it was that the pope has a $40,000 dollar ring all the while 30 puerto rican catholics live in a one-bedroom apartment. Anyway, hard to hate on this:

Pope JP 2 is 2 cute! Besides, being preceded by a pope who was assassinated 30 days after his election and naming himself after him, this picture explains it all. Who are you looking for with those imaginary binoculars? the Holy Spirit? I think I found him! Speaking of pope elections, the election of the pope is (ex)communicated to the crowds by the color of smoke that appears out of St. Peter's Basilica's chimney. Black? the crowd awaits. White? It's party time. You know the pope's got the hook up with that bomb sticky-icky too. Sometimes you gotta make a deal with the devil.

Red n' hazy make u nice n' laaazy.

It's time to be a part of the "Vat-I-CAN!"

Speakin of drugs n' thugs: Timothy Leary preached about drugs being a transcendent experience, but also talked about how they could bring us back to our primitive and more pure way of understanding that's existed throughout evolution. Text and language is man-made, artificial, superficial, only limiting and representative and so new! Why should we trust it? He said we should get more in touch with the language of our DNA and cells (read: "Baby I was born to shit.") He said using LSD was a way to do this. Weird to not trust language, tried n' true, but to dive right in to LSD, even more recent. Nevertheless, there was an experiment on a group of average-age adults who took hallucinogenic drugs, many citing it as one of the most religious/spiritual experiences of their lives.

That poster reminds me of some shit. Leary ain't no martyr or messiah, but he sho is some'in' else. Like a lotta people, Leary saw shit that made people want to listen to him and see what he sees. (no comparisons, just segue)

"I'd like to start a religion. That's where the money is." - L. Ron Hubbard

Joseph Smith, founder of Mormonism

Marshall Applewhite, founder of Heaven's Gate. Cosmic Cult. The only way to get to heaven is physically get there in a spaceship. Crazy thing was. At one point this leader had doubts. He had a breakdown after his co-leader, partner in cult crime died. He said "This is crazy! What are we doing? Go home, see your families!" and the members said "No, Do! Let's do this!"

Wayne Bent, founder of Strong City Cult. This guy claims God forced him to have sex with his son's wife. He declared himself the messiah (I wonder what the paperwork's like for that). Seems like duties involve beard-growing, manipulating young women, and making people feel like shit. At one point in this show all the members are outside of what I presume is the compound, and they wait for the end to come. It's a great moment to see their reactions when it doesn't. Good quote "We have our hearts set on this promise, that this will happen." (Member on the approach of end of the world)

David Koresh

to top it off, from founder Joseph Smith to former leader of Mormon YFZ ranch compound and part-time church-sanctioned harem Warren Jeffs. The Church of the Latter Day saints still holds strong, but can't seem to catch a break! Well, Big Love on HBO is quite a treat.

(homevideo from YFZ ranch)

Regardless, a good thing to know before starting your own cult is what you're doing it for if it is either:

a. the money

b. the bitties

c. trick question, you're doing it for BOTH.

Well, despite all their attempts to either create a temporal heaven or make it there via space-craft, nothing really lasted. Maybe all these men wanted to become messiahs because they're afraid of being forgotten. That's where the true life after death comes in. "You gotta have faith" you will exist beyond your death in some form. Maybe we all have a little David Koresh, a little Wayne Bent, and a little L. Ron Hubbard in all of us. Something that seeks power, profit, the unattainable, the spiritual, the sexual. Something beyond us and beyond the life we're given. We can't all live forever.

...... Or can we?

Chunker

When I was a kid I thought, as I do now, that boogers and buttcracks were super funny. 

I loved pictures of the aforementioned things, and I realize now that I can't escape my infatuation with stupid images after realized that I like stupid words too. I'm all about "Chunker" and "Goober" and any other literary booger-visual equivalent I hear. 

Chunker and goober and buttcracks and boogers, these are a few of my favorite things.

Gonna make you Sweat(pants)

There's nothing like your eyes glaze over while lazily hunched on the edge of your couch to check people's facebooks you never talk to while the crack of your ass hangs out of a pair of pink sweatpants bought on the clearance rack at SuperTarget.

Redeeming my circumstance is the adorable white hat con puffball and my favorite Sturgis sweatshirt I have on.

It never ceases to amaze me how low I can go. I'm no good at Limbo, but my personal hygiene and self respect is in a purgatorial state right now. To top it off, I'm listening to Styx. What a divinely comedic moment we have here. 

Crazy shit

I like to drink hot chocolate whenever I have diarrhea so I can pretend my digestive system is workin overtime. 

Speaking of really gross poop imagery:

A couple of days ago I was babysitting when my client unleashed an ungodly load into her diaper. When I came to the sobering realization that I was about to be wrist deep in a two year old baby's gigantic, creamy dump, I said "Oh noooo......." Whoever thinks a merciful God would make a baby who could shit like that is dead wrong. People might not want to hear this kind of story, but shit's real, I seen it. I had to hold myself back from getting angry at this crazy ass poop-machine. When I first saw what I was dealing with, I straight up had to pause for a good 15 seconds to comprehend what the hell was going on. It was definitely a religious moment, because I kept saying "oh my god oh my god" as it was happening. Here's a video of what I was essentially dealing with: 

I'm never having children

Hitting Kid Rock Bottom

You know that something is fundamentally wrong with your life when you stay up an extra 15 minutes to search for Kid Rock's "Bawitdaba" music video. My one consolation was coming across a video with the title "Kid Rock- Buffalo Chips Sturgis -Jamming! (RARE)" When you find yourself at the (Uncle) Kracker Barrel for Kid Rock Demo tapes, you need to stop mixing such low quality Colt45 with your Fruity Dyno-Bites in the morning. 

Anyway, the first few golden moments read like a glorious first testament to the Asshole bible. In the beginning, there was ROCK (kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiid Rock that is). 

Parenting Condomdrum

Today my darling little imaginary child walked up to me when I was doing some shopping at Sex World (Their XXX-mas deals this year are out of this world, can you imagine absolutely charming christmas bauble-esque anal beads for only 23.95?! I had to keep myself from using it as a centerpiece for the family dinner that night.)

Anyway, she was holding a popular item 

and she said to me, "Mommy?" and I said "Where'd you come from?" and she looked up at me with her beautiful eye and and asked "What are these?" holding a pair of this fuzzy number. I said "They're stuffed animal handcuffs, of course!"

In truth, today a peer was talking about how her fuzzy handcuffs were taken from her by a friends mom. Bummer! I always thought handcuffs were bracelets that needed to be worn close together as a matching set. So many criminals with such tasteful choice in jewelry.. But boy, was I wrong! 

 

Music to my years

Clara Rockmore, daughter of theremin creator Leon Theremin, plays the theremin:

I can't tell whether I enjoy it because of how beautiful it happens to sound, or because of how much the woman playing looks like an older and moneyed Jerri Blank.

 

Amy Sedaris based Jerri Blank on quasi-motivational speaker Florrie Fisher:

But my favorite part of the inspiration chain is how much 2-4-1 Hotdogz Farstad reminds me of Jerri Blank.

The Future is Now

Houston prepare for Jerk-off.

I'm really excited to see what 2009 has in store for us.

David Levy predicts we'll all be having sex with robots by 2050. Assuming they're anything like this, I think we'll all be OK:

But I think people have already begun the human-robot crossover anyway.

His body is hypnotic. He looks like my spanish teacher.

If you get a robot of yourself and have sex with it, is that masturbation?

I've heard that question asked with regards to clones, and I think that if you get a clone of yourself to have sex with, that means you're rich enough to clone yourself and attractive enough to have someone (you) to want to have sex with you. But if you've paid for yourself to have sex with yourself, you've got a lot of money to throw around with respect to masturbation, and, essentially, you're your own pimp. I think prostitution might be a good profession to be your own boss. 

But enough with clone masturbation (double the fun). I'd like to make a well-lubricated, smooth transition to another future concern:

To my knowledge, alien cigarette smoking is on the rise. 

I've been watching a lot of the groundbreaking Ken Burns documentary series X-files, and I've been learning so much about the evildoings of our corrupt government and its respective shadow government.

Here's special agent Mulder hot on the trail of a suspect:

Speaking of 40 years in the future (see: David Levy predicts), I recently finished Philip K. Dick's "Time out of Joint" where one man has been living a 1959 society when outside its really 1998 and there's an interplanetary war going on. The second part is sort of like the second part of Vonnegut's "Sirens of Titan" where human colonists on mars invade Earth. 

Even though the books are both about human wars, X-Files theorizes about government conspiracies to create alien-human hybrids for the oncoming war between humans and aliens. Who would these hybrids fight for, though? And the real question is, how big are aliens boobs and is their weed truly out of this world?

Also, there's a website dedicated to the artwork of children inspired by their abduction experiences.

Here's a really good excerpt from "Why Aliens abduct humans":

For years there were accounts of alien encounters where the aliens showed a little black box to humans.  The aliens held up the box and pointed to it, then returned to their spacecraft and left.  People having such encounters wondered why the aliens did not try to communicate with them further. The contents in the little black box remained a mystery for decades.  Thanks to investigators such as Budd Hopkins and Dave Jacobs, we now know what is in the box.  The box contains a live fetus of a hybrid which is part human and part alien. Showing the box is an act of triumph. The aliens plan to colonize the earth with their new race and replace the human race.  By showing the box the aliens are demonstrating that they have succeeded in creating a replacement for the human race.   After aliens take either sperm or eggs from humans, depending on their sex, or in some cases, an alien/hybrid baby, the human abductees are taken into large rooms in the alien's spacecraft containing alien/hybrid fetuses in tanks at different stages of development. Abductees wondered why they did this.  The answer is now obvious, the aliens are showing humans their replacement. The aliens are in effect telling abductees that the new alien/hybrids will replace them. There will be no more humans on the earth. Nothing could be more frightening.

These are a child's drawings of alien/hybrid children, the new race the aliens will use to replace the human race.

Clearly, the aliens are just smug assholes who need to be annihilated. Interesting that a race of beings capable of traveling across the universe hasn't evolved beyond showing off. These kids drawings: Is it me or are these aliens a little too shady looking to be so sophisticated? They look suspiciously like the things that come on the 50 cent stickers you can get at the roller gardens, the gangster aliens with jnco jeans and backwards hats. 

Also, considering how dope of a movie "Close encounters of the third kind" was and is, most of these kids are probably watching it with their parents before bed and then dreaming, nay, fantasizing, that the aliens visited them.

And a little homage to Star Wars:

Just because a kid draws a monster doesn't mean they've seen one. I've drawn a lot of pictures of Big Foot with huge boobs, but to my knowledge Big Foot is male.

I like the idea of an interplanetary human civil war, it reminds me of Walt Kelly's Pogo comic book, 

While aliens might exist out there, I don't think they've visited earth. I think it's all a matter of people dreaming crazy shit or encountering weird people. 

We have met the aliens and they are us:

What do you think he got tattooed on his face? A look of regret?

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