Addicted

I can't stop watching this video

Fartin' like a pro: I have a great idea

I am going to start writing my posts at the moment where you realize you have to poop but you have to do finish something before you do. I want people to smell the anxiety.

youtube+poop = 

Uh Oh Obesity

I heard Lesbians are a major risk factor for Obesity. That woman homo-love must really pack on the pounds. 

That reminds me of an book review from The Atlantic a couple years ago about women who prefer eating in place of sex with their husbands. Where do lesbians come into this? and I quote (the article):

"I speak to you candidly now about some lesbians I know, two lesbians. They live in a suburb of Los Angeles. They’re both a hair north of forty. One is a computer technician; the other, a hospital administrator. Physically, they are much as you might picture them. For the past twelve years, Teri and Pat have had a special Monday-night ritual. They order an extra-large cheese pizza (sixteen slices). While waiting—and I am not making this up—they settle in on the couch with large twin bags of 

Doritos. Each chip is dipped first in Philadelphia cream cheese and then in salsa. Cream cheese, salsa. Cream cheese, salsa. Cream cheese, salsa...."

You can read the full article here. Riveting.

All this talk about Obesity is getting me hungry!

Oh, that reminds me. I'm starting a For-Profit organization that donates clothes and candy to needy obese children. Right now, we're at a really big deficit for Snickers Bars and XXL Stone Cold t-shirts. Give me a holler if you have anything you can contribute.

It's Party Time

There's nothing like whiling away the hours in an extremely fragile emotional state by watching this on a loop.

Anyway, as of late I've been working on compiling a wet dream dictionary. The first entry is on Aardvark, (sex with). I've been writing mostly with a Pen15 I got from OfficeMax. 

The other day I came out of the shower with a towel swirled around the top of my head to dry my hair. My dad asked me if I was going to school like that, and I said no and that I was calling in Sikh. Unfortunately, the whole "Towel Head" joke is probably pretty tasteless. But that's not what I was going for. If y'all can't jive with that, fuck y'all.

(My future son/ symbolic retribution)

Have a great weekend, erbody.

I want to believe

Yes. Oh God, I will. God. I will.

Baby I was born to shit

Did you know there's a form of animals called Deuterostomes which develop, in their cellular stage, asshole first? Man they've got life ass-backwards. 

Speaking of Butts, here's an extremely relevant comic by dopeass (Pun intended, biatch.)  Johnny Ryan

Anyway, Here's a picture of a deuterostome under a microscope: 

Considering what type of animal it is, its title seems like a slam on Deuteronomy, something which I have no knowledge about. (Is this how tabloids are written?) I will reluctantly refer you to the Wikipedia article linked in above.

Anyway, I'm only concerned with DUDE-r-onomy. 

Note: I quickly looked this up. It is fucking for real.

Welcome to the dumbest fucking website in the world

"Every new mailing list signup receives complementary D-Bag diploma and Hackey-Sack"

Oh man.

 

When I'm at the gates of the inferno, I want this guy to be there so he can say "Dude, you're going to Hell." And I would be like "I was WONDERING what happened to you!" I'd realize I was in hell because it has super bad wi-fi and I wouldn't be able to blog about it. 

Which reminds me: how come no one has made a stupid comic about someone trying to get cell phone service in hell? I just farted and it smelled like my dog's fart. I think I know what it'll be like.