Beauty on a Budget

I think this is the look she was going for.
(Nothin but love to my girl and fashion idol Phyllis Diller - class act who dresses to the T only to be interviewed by a marionette)

There are two types of people in this world.
There are the beautiful, and there are- as I like to put it- those of us who may do our weekly window shopping at Macy's, but only manage to pass by the Looks Department on our way out the door. But I'll leave it to the Boogerface Blog Cheer Squad to put it in more explicit terms.
They're great for delivering all the bad news around the office.

Now, with a few of my helpful hints, there will be no need to spend all those hours on the corner hustlin the scrilla necessary to afford just the little rouge, midnight blue eyeshadow, and neon pink fishnets to get you by for the evening.

I'll start from the top.

Faces: The Moneymaker (Can you imagine what the W-2's would look like for that?!)
To take a bit of advice from Marge Simpson's mother Jacqueline Bouvier: "Ladies pinch. Whore's use rouge." For those of us with patchy complexions, bursting those cheek blood vessels is a great way of evening out those red spots and coaxing that erythrocyte-based beauty to the surface.
If you don't have fingers, call a friend on phone with big buttons! Parties are a great way to exchange comments about each others looks and swap tips for hypothetically effective methods of improvement.

Chins: The more the merrier
Many beauty experts may try to make you feel ashamed of double chins, but I consider them an asset. Think you might have a double chin? Wear two scarves! Don't be afraid to get creative.

Breasts: God's gift to bras
Too much? Not enough? Too many women focus on their breasts and end up forgetting all about the space between them. Someone's gotta separate those two, am I right? Don't be like every woman and let it fly under the radar! Remember, just a dollop of Vaseline on the chest can really make that cleavage shine. If you don't have any lying around the house, try just wiping your hands off there with the oil on them after eating a big, delicious bowl of discount potato chips.

The Rest of You

Body shape
The world is full of different shapes and sizes, and that rule applies to people too. We've got chubba jacksons and skinny malinks galore, and it's beautiful. However, that doesn't mean we can't all serve to pick up or drop some weight (also a great way to work out, I just learned!)
Some tips for the Skinny bitches of the world
Thin may be in, but last I heard, people who don't eat have a higher risk of dying than those who do! Need to gain weight? It's by no means difficult to fill out that figure with empty pockets. Seasonally, people often will put on a few pounds during the colder months as an insulating "Winter Weight" and maybe an economical way to skimp on an expensive parka.
Think about it: $100+ Eddie Bauer jacket vs. 3$ slice of Sbarro Pizza at the mall.
A high-quality coat may protect you from subzero temperatures and potential frostbite, but nothing can beat the comforting warmth of a high calorie slice of pizza. You make the call. Another idea- move somewhere with winter year-round! The winter pounds will keep packin on just like fluffy, white snow.
A Shoutout to my fatties
Keep it real ladies.

Feet: How many toes do you have, on a scale from 1-10?
Flip flops are cheap, versatile, flashy, and cheap. For this reason they are my favorite shoe. Owning over 2 pairs, I love the opportunity to mix and match them with my only pair of gauchos and, just, hey, go out on the town for fifteen minutes as I go on my walk to get a quarter gallon (NOT as cheap as it sounds!!!) of skim milk. The price of this sandal makes it no pain to "foot" the bill. The Flip Flop is such a great platform (sometimes) where you can express yourself. When you're feeling festive, get some nail polish and bring some attention to your one or two great assets.
Troubleshooting with painting your toes:
If nail polish is a luxury, vaseline (yet again!) is a great way to give those thinner coats of polish a nice glossy finish. If you have corns, feel free to daub a little bit on those too. Highlight your uniqueness.

So readers:
A penny for your thoughts! But only after you give me your two cents. Now that's another tip for you: Remember, a penny saved is a penny earned.
Now go spend that penny on some beauty for yourself, you earned it!